if i were somebody else and i knew myself i would really want to be on my good side because i would know that if i wasn’t i would be immortalized as the villain of a thousand poems
i guess i’ll sleep when i’m dead? this is not by choice.
i can’t believe i ruined 3 pairs of pants in one week. my only pants.
i am drinking caffeinated water i didn’t know such a thing existed it doesn’t make sense and i feel dizzy but that could be from a number of things the multiple medications i’ve taken today the cigarettes i’ve oversmoked the lack of sleep & food i don’t know. this week always comes it has come twice a year every year for the last three years and i only have two of these left and then i’ll never have a week like this again hopefully where i pay to stay up all night and drain my tired body of everything it offers me so i can be alive. the world keeps happening to me it is good and then bad and then good again. a few people have upset me this week one was out of carelessness & disappointment and one because of unrelenting inappropriate ambition. but many have made me happy and strong like aaron my coworkers my classmates my large healthy family the busdriver this morning my friends who have offered me conversation & the people who have given me validation in the form of good grades awards and opportunities. over and over this winter said no to me so i said no to myself and left sad little stains on your white pillows while you watched & now it is spring the magnolias speak in full bloom they say yes it’s time now go and be what winter said you could not be do what winter said you could not do & i say yes